Pursued By A Douche-Nugget

I realize that I’ve been somewhat remiss in my blogging duties lately. Although I’m still feeling a bit blog-blocked, I couldn’t resist sharing this e-mail exchange between myself and man on the internet dating site I belong to. Except for a couple of notes I added for clarification and to make it less abundantly clear exactly where I live, nothing has been changed.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this man actually exists! And knowing that makes me feel really sorry for all you heterosexual women who have to swim around in the dating pool with guys like this in order to find someone normal. You have my most sincere sympathy.

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 10:29 PM
Subj: some sugar!!!

please neighbor!! i need some sugar!!!!! meet me at ralph’s [Note: local grocery store] if you want see what happen’s if you like then sex it is!!!!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 10:34 PM
Subj: nice!!!

ready for me alright!!!!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:00 PM
Subj: funny!!!

get this knock knock!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:06 PM
Subj: sweet!!!

come on neighbor!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:08 PM
Subj: hi discrete!!!

hi!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 24, 2011 11:34 PM
Subj: RE: some sugar!!!

I’m heading to Ralphs right now. I’m wearing a silver thong, low-rise jeans and a Foxy Lady halter top. Meet me in the produce department. I hope they don’t think you’re shoplifting a banana . . . LMAO!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:42 AM
Subj: hey!!!

i looked for you!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:48 AM
Subj: hi!!!

what happen at ralph’s were you there or not!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:56 AM
Subj: come on!!

please let me fuck you you owe me i went to ralph’s and you were;nt there!!!!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:07 AM
Subj: yaaaaaaaa!!

fun -fun- fuck -fuck -please!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 1:16 AM
Subj: RE: come on!!

Which Ralphs did you go to?

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:33 AM
Subj: RE: RE: come on!!

come on girlfriend!! went to [street name] and [other street] ralph’s!! you got me!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 1:28 AM
Subj: RE: RE: RE: come on!!

That explains it. I went to the one on Ima & Lesbian. Guess I should have been more specific.

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:47 AM
Subj: hi!!!

WTF please let me fuck you!! what ralph’s did you go to!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 2:20 AM
Subj: RE: hi!!!

10 Things You Need To Know

1. Women tend to go for the bad-boy type. Try being a little more dangerous and a lot less desperate.
2. I’m a lesbian.
3. Begging women for sex will get you laid 0 out of 10 times.
4. I’m a lesbian.
5. You don’t have a picture on your profile. Most women agree to have sex with anonymous, faceless men an average of no percent of the time.
6. I’m a lesbian.
7. You should spend some time reading a woman’s profile and not just looking at her pictures. You might learn important things about her.
8. I’m a lesbian.
9. I didn’t go to Ralphs.
10. I’m a lesbian.

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 2:31 AM
Subj: cheer’s

I won’t ask no more just let me fuck you one damn time!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 3:04 AM
Subj: RE: cheer’s

I checked the Lesbian Rules & Regulations handbook they gave me when I signed up and apparently having sex with men is grounds for having my membership revoked. They do make certain exceptions though. You don’t happen to be Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp or Justin Timberlake, do you?

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 2:31 AM
Subj: RE: RE: cheer’s

ok I am an ass!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 3:04 AM
Subj: RE: RE: RE: cheer’s

Nope. Just Wahlberg, Depp, Timberlake and a few others. Headquarters doesn’t appear to make exceptions for asses. Sorry.

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Sadly, I never heard from him again and that’s a shame. He provided such excellent blog fodder!

The Versatile Blogger

The First Rule Of Versatile Blogger Is: You Do Not Talk About Versatile Blogger.  The second rule of Versatile Blogger is: you DO NOT talk about Versatile Blogger!

I discovered a couple of days ago that I’d been nominated for The Versatile Blogger Award by sandylikeabeach. I’m thrilled that anyone even reads me, so to be nominated is beyond flattering. My appreciation for the recognition is truly sincere.

In addition to thanking and linking back to the person who nominated me, I am supposed to nominate fifteen other bloggers and share seven things about myself. Having just moved to WordPress a couple of months ago from another site I haven’t had time to acquaint myself with as many blogs as I eventually hope to. So I’m sure that some of these blogs may have been nominated in the past, but since there doesn’t seem to be a rules prohibiting that and since I like them, I’m not going to worry too much about it.

I also know that some people are rather anti-award and write for the sake of writing and not because they want to compete with other writers. To them I have only this to say: Tough shit! There’s something about your blog, whether it’s what you say or how you say it, that got my attention. This nomination is strictly in recognition of your talent, not because I think you’re in it for the glory. Someone likes you. Deal with it.

Tantrum, Interrupted – Me, my cats, the garden, a banjo, and borderline personality disorder.

Den of Iniquity – One mans random shoutings against the world.

H.E. Ellis – A thirty-something mother of three living in a farmhouse in New Hampshire. She is not Jodi Picoult

A Woman’s Guide to Women: A Blog For Men – About chicks. By a chick.

itsallabitfrankspencer – Just another WordPress.com site

Ashley Jillian – Need a random pop-culture reference fix?

BrainRants – This site uses only free-range, organic electrons.

Debating Dykes – Special Lady Friends Who Like to Argue…A Lot

Trask Avenue – This, that and most definitely the other.

Bubbles. Deux – Starting of a brand new day.

Sherbert Bomb – A fantasy adventure about girls and the world. Sometimes true, more often made up, always unreal.

Ohmygawd, just do what I say! – Two chicks’ musings on life, family, & friendship

Does Writing Excuse Watching? – mostly posts about anything that takes less than ten or fifteen minutes to write

Your Pal Jason – The best (imaginary) friend you could ask for.

bestbathroombooks – because laughter is the best laxative

And finally, here are seven things about me that you may not know and probably aren’t interested in:

1. I have a buttload of power tools and am resigned to eventually losing a couple of fingers to my table-saw or chop-saw. It’s really only a matter of time.

2. I am obsessed with BBQ and had a smoker the size of a small refrigerator freighted in from Louisiana when I couldn’t find a big enough one in California.

3. I’ve collected knives since I was in grade school. I have over 100 and always carry one with me.

4. I have a fear of being sent to prison for a crime I didn’t commit.

5. I can’t dance … at all.

6. I have an encyclopedic knowledge of serial killers. They fascinate and terrify me.

7. I’ve broken five bones … all on my right side and all from doing something stupid.

Whew! sandylikeabeach was right: the linking is the hardest part!

Between The Sheets

In August 2010 NewDissidentRadio.com began airing Between The Sheets with Lora Somoza on Wednesday afternoons (4:00 PM, PST — previous shows are archived so you don’t have to wait for the next broadcast to get a little taste), a show so deliciously dirty it single-handedly puts the hump in Hump Day. Along with her co-host Amanda Smash Hyde (in my head I can’t help but picture an enraged, green, heavily-muscled dominatrix with pink eyebrows pummeling Danny Masterson’s character on That 70s Show whenever I think of her name … Amanda Smash Hyde! Grrrrr! … Don’t make her horny. You wouldn’t like her when she’s horny) and a parade of guests Somoza takes a comedic look at all things sexual, from ass-play to zombie fetishes (okay, I don’t know for a fact that those aroused by the living dead have actually been discussed but it starts with a “Z” and it would make an interesting topic, especially at this time of year … is someone from the show taking notes?).

If there’s any downside to the show it’s that it’s on the radio. Aside from being hysterically funny, Ms. Somoza also happens to be wicked hot, which is not apparent over the air but is abundantly clear in this picture:

Armed with this knowledge listening to her talk about sex can cause reactions that are the polar opposite of the creepy ones you may have once experienced when Dr. Ruth Westheimer explored similar topics.

I’d find it easier to masturbate to the show with a little visual assistance and fortunately someone was kind enough to post on YouTube a number of videos of the show being recorded, which makes my self-abuse much more productive. Unlike the wonderful world of my imagination, however, there isn’t a clip of Ms. Somoza bent over the desk in the broadcast booth with her dress bunched up around her waist. But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. We can however be hopers and dreamers … so to the powers that be, please consider this my formal request for such an upload.

I should also mention that aside from her weekly radio program, Lora is also a contributor to The Huffington Post and has written a book, Bliss In The Bedroom. That’s right bitches, she’s a published author. So if you don’t tune into her show simply because you trust my recommendation and respect my opinion, do it because she’s kind of a big deal and therefore better than us.

By posting this I realize it may appear as though I’ve sold out to the Internet Radio Man, man! Or perhaps I’ve given the impression that I’m plugging a *friend’s show simply out of the goodness of my heart. Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I remain the shallow purbert you’ve come to know and tolerate and as evidence that this post was motivated purely by personal gain I offer the following Facebook exchange:

Me: I put a link to Between The Sheets on my blog. Is that cool?

Somoza: I would totally give you a reach around if you were here right now. Thanks!!!

Me: *rings doorbell*

Somoza: *grabs lube*

Me: *wonders what she’d get if she did a whole post about the show rather than just having the link … also hopes it’s Liquid Silk*

Somoza: You’d get a liquid silk sponge bath and finger-banged by my sock puppet.

Me: Do you have the Law & Order: SVU sock puppet collection? Cuz I wouldn’t mind getting double-teamed by Olivia Benson and Alex Cabot. You can wear the Eliot Stabler puppet on your foot if he wants to watch.

Somoza: I just tweeted this: “I just had a conversation that had ‘Law & Order: SVU sock puppets’ and ‘finger-banging’ in the same sentence. That’s normal, right?”

My work here is done. I’m ready for my sponge bath Ms. Somoza …

*Although I am deeply in love with her (wait … maybe it’s lust … which is the one where you have recurring dreams about their perfect “suck it Jolie, you’re not the only one with lips” lips??), I must admit that I’ve never even talked to Lora Somoza. The extent of our relationship is the occasional bone she tosses me by ‘liking’ my comments on her posts (which makes me go all Sally Fields getting an Oscar) and being kind enough to respond to the messages I send rather than filing a restraining order against me. I use the word ‘friend’ strictly in the Facebook, person I’ve never actually met sense.

The Notebook

In a recent post Kidfos mentioned how much he likes his new Moleskine notebook. He bought it based on a recommendation from Temper (aka Shortstuff) who became a fan after I sent her one a while back. Bubbles is also a fan of these awesome notebooks, but I’m not sure if she’s a link in the chain of who told who or if she was introduced by an outside party. It’s all a bit like that commercial from back in the 80s where Heather Locklear told two friends about Faberge Organics Shampoo and they told two friends and they told two friends and so on and so on and so on …

According to the little multi-fold pamphlet slipped into the accordion pocket inside the back cover, these legendary notebooks have been “used by European artists and thinkers for the past two centuries, from Van Gogh to Picasso, from Ernest Hemingway to Bruce Chatwin. This trusty, pocket-size travel companion held sketches, notes, stories and ideas before they were turned into famous images or pages of beloved books.”

Some people can pick up whatever notebook, diary or memo pad is handy and happily pour out their thoughts or sketch out an idea for their next great project or work of art. I am not one of them. I might spend hours at various bookstores perusing their selection for the perfect journal only to find when I started using it that it doesn’t lay flat enough when open making the right-hand pages uncomfortable to write on or that most inks bled through because the paper is cheap and porous. The defect or flaw isn’t always something I can easily identify. Like a date who’s attractive and personable enough but whom you’re just not excited about seeing again, the chemistry just isn’t there.

My attraction to the Moleskine was instant and powerful. The minute I held one I knew I’d let it fuck me on the first date. I love everything about these notebooks, from the way they feel in my hands – comfortable, like a well-balanced hand tool – to the way my pen glides over the smooth, satiny pages. The size is perfect for tossing into my backpack and it weighs enough to give it solid, quality feel but not so much that it’s a chore to tote around. It doesn’t have so many pages that the idea of filling one up is overwhelming nor so few that you’re always buying new ones. The line spacing on the perfect number of pages is tight, but not cramped … and not that wide-ruled crap that makes me feel like I need the big, loopy handwriting of a 12 year old girl fill all the space I’m given.

But lest you think me shallow, my love for Moleskines goes beyond the physical (although, like Kidfos said – and I’m paraphrasing here – they are some sexy-ass muthafukken notebooks). You can feel their rich history and a sense of connection to that past. You’re not just writing in a notebook, you’re writing in the same notebook that Hemingway preferred. Fucking Hemingway, man!! How awesome is that?

I also write on a laptop. I’m doing it right now. But if I’m sitting in a Starbucks and pull out my Moleskine to jot down a few deep thoughts or brilliant ideas, I can’t help feeling superior to, and pity for, all the poor schmoes around me pecking away on their laptops. Obviously they are unaware that the preferred tool of real writers like Ernie H. and me (and Kidfos, Temper and Bubbles, of course) comes with neither a power-cord nor the ability to erase, lose or corrupt everything you just spent the last nineteen hours working on. Your work will always be safe and protected between the elastic-banded covers of your reliable and much loved Moleskine.

I think writers fall into two major types: 1) those who will immediately run out to find and fondle a Moleskine notebook after reading this, and 2) those for whom it’s strictly about what they write and not where they write it. Which type are you?

Peace
&
Papa was a rolling stone

P.S. Kidfos also spoke very highly of the Sharpie fine-point marker so I had to give it a try. I’m happy to say I concur with his findings, it is one damn fine writing implement. I don’t know you well Kidfos (and by ‘well’ I mean ‘at all’), but I know you love at least three of the same things I do: the world’s most perfect notebook, the amazing pen that never bleeds through a page and Miss Shorty McShortpants. Obviously you’re a man of extraordinary intelligence and exquisite taste. I salute you, sir!

Pretty Little Love Notes

Since the dating site I joined promises that “it’s fun, it’s free and you could be hooking up by tonight” in an effort to attract members, I harbor no hopes nor dreams of receiving love poems or finding romance. But perhaps I expect too much by assuming that the filter options I choose will actually filter potential matches for my preferences. I don’t expect everyone to be 100% in-line with my likes and dislikes, but I think some things are much more obvious deal-breakers than others. Off the top of my head, I guess that might be something like … ummmm … HAVING A PENIS!!!!

I continue to get e-mails from men despite the fact that my profile screams LESBIAN!! A few are friendly and just write to say they like my profile or wish I played for their team. Others send pictures of their penis … just what every lesbian hopes to find when she opens an e-mail. While I’m not posting any penis pictures for your viewing pleasure, I thought I would share some of the more interesting messages I’ve received lately.

Sender: mature_f_fucker
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 19, 2011 1:12 PM
Subj: Hi

Hı beatifull layd. My name is Murat and I live in İstanbul. I am 33 years old and I love mature woman and sex Because mature lady is very beatifull and sexy. I want you perfect layd ! My msn adress ; [hidden]@hotmail.com baby. Please add and contact me baby. Kiss you my layd

I’m once, twice, three times a layd …

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Sender: cuniglius
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 7:51 PM
Subj: passion

I love a women’s body , I love touching and kissing it entirely , I wanna squeeze you as I lick you flicking my tongue on your clit , rubbing our bodies in sweaty ecstasy , my mouth completely surrounding your vagina , as I drink your cum when your trembling in my lips , the lick your asshole and suck your feet , licking up to your labia again , I can’t get enough of going down on you , my hands never stop touching you , cupping your breasts , kissing your neck , your shoulders your back , blowing gently on the wet kisses , grabbing your ass I set you on top of me , letting you grind , I would do anything you asked anyway you like ,if you want it kinky , Im an artist with many touches , if you want it rough , whatever it takes to please you e addy [hidden]creationfloors at the gee mail Im a generous man

You had me at ‘sweaty ecstasy.’

Just kidding! You actually didn’t have me until ‘Im a generous man.’ Will you give me $500 and promise to never, ever contact me again?

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Sender: womanR2Bhappy
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 6:52 AM
Subj: perversion

two no limitw slaves for use… you can whore them out and let others pay to use them… they will be delivered where you request when you request… you provide women or i can… i watch ans see my propert yused… lets do it

As a rule I’m against slavery, but my house really needs a new coat of paint. Can they bring their own ladders?

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Sender: Vtwinnn2
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 15, 2011 2:28 AM
Subj: hi

hi how are you today?? hmmm wot are you doing now?? msg me ok,, love to hear from you,, wood you like to see my hard cock???

hello i am fine.. ummm making fun of you on my blog.. no,, too bad,, I most certainly woodn’t…

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Sender: Arjor1
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 9, 2011 1:08 AM
Subj: HOLA

HOLA AMOR..ME GUSTARIA CONOCERTE Y QUE NOS PODAMOS VER ATRAVEZ DE CAMARA PARA ASI DARNOS..MUCHO AMOR..Y PLACER..TE DEJO MI CORREO…..[hidden]@gmail.com….escribeme amor..soy de Chile..besitos..Arnoldo

HI LOVE..I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AND THAT WE CAN SEE OURSELVES JAUNT OF CAMERA FOR US..MUCH LOVE..AND PLEASURE..I LEAVE YOU MY MAIL …..[hidden]@gmail.com … .write me love..i’m from Chile..kisses..Arnoldo

Either Google Translate isn’t fluent in Spanish or Arnoldo was awfully drunk when he wrote this. What the hell is a ‘jaunt of camera’?

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Sender: medmiko
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 5, 2011 1:55 AM
Subj:hello sexy

hi sexy how are you i want to fuck sexy

Seriously? You took the time to put in the little devil emoticon, yet you couldn’t manage to capitalize or punctuate a 10 word sentence?

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Sender: thomas4u
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: September 15, 2011 3:57 PM
Subj: hi

Ohh My GOD and Good Day to you!!! My Name is THOMAS and am new on this dating site and you ? i really enjoyed reading ur profile and it’s hard for me to believe why such a handsome looking man like you be alone over there without getting ladies chasing on you. Well am really impressed by your profile and I would wish to get to know more about you to see where this will go and also if you are interested in me,send me an [hidden]@yahoo.com….send me an email so that i can send you my pictures and tell you more about me and see when it will talk us too. THOMAS

Nothing makes me consider exploring my hetero-curiousity more than being told I’m a handsome looking man. Flattery will get you everywhere Thomas!