Whether it’s an FWB or a committed partner, there’s nothing quite like having someone who knows exactly what you like, where to touch, how fast or slow you to go, how hard or how gently. Someone who knows your buttons and can get you off every time without diagrams, manuals or endless instruction … “okay, a little to the left, now go clock-wise, a little harder.” While, as noted in a prior post, I had that for a long time, I am now craving someone new. And not just new to me, but new<-new … I want to be someone's first experience.
I admit I’ve fallen victim to the mainstream media’s portrayal of lesbians. And knowing that some of the depictions are no more realistic that those in the girl-on-girl porn made by and for straight men does nothing to banish the thoughts. Perhaps it goes back to the mid-1980s when my little lesbian self sat in a dark theater watching as Cay Rivers, oblivious to the downpour, leaned in through the car window to deliver that first kiss to Professor Bell in Desert Hearts. Whatever the reason, I find myself returning again and again to the seduction fantasy.
It’s not that I haven’t been there before. I’ve done it. I’ve been the first. Just this summer I ended up in bed with my ultra-conservative, heterosexual-to-the-nth-degree friend and it was impossibly hot and amazing. But I’m like a junkie searching for the next fix … I want more. I want the excruciating tension of Rachel and Luce (Imagine Me & You), I want to be the temptation that Annabelle was to Simone (Loving Annabelle) and to have Marina’s bursting-through-the-door burning desire for Jenny (The L Word). Hell, I even want the imaginary we’re-in-denial-of-our-feelings between Olivia Benson and Alex Cabot (Law & Order: SVU … take your pick of YouTube compilation videos).
While I haven’t made a career of deflowering virgins, I’ve had experiences, as with my friend this summer, where it just happened; and other times, I knew it was going to happen, it was just a matter of when … the friend or co-worker with endless what’s it like/how do you know questions who flirts a little too much and finally confesses that she’s always been curious. Either way, there’s that moment … maybe when you’re standing a little too close and your eyes lock … where she’s straddling the fence between yes or no, I want to but I’m afraid, give in or go home. When the energy and the lust are so strong that the hairs on your neck are standing at attention and she trembles just from the feel of your breath on her neck. When you know how badly she wants this … not in an aggressive, porn-y “you know you like it” way, but a “don’t worry, it’s okay” way … and all it takes is that first hesitant kiss, a gentle brush of your lips, and she melts into yes … I want to … give in.
Despite the undeniable ego boost that accompanies being selected as “the one,” there’s no Joe Stud, notch-in-the-bedpost thing for me. It may sound cheesy, but it’s like being given a gift … she’s excited, but scared and nervous because it’s all brand new, and she’s trusting you to make it okay. And since I know she’ll always remember this first time, everyone remembers their first woman, I feel a certain sense of responsibility to make it amazing and something she’ll always look back on with a smile.
So … where are all those curious first-timers wanting to build up tension with avoiding-our-mutual-attraction conversations, deep meaningful looks and “accidental” touching until they can no longer control their intense lust for my raw, animal sexuality? *call me …*
I’ve never had a lesbian relationship before. Does that count for anything?