I Can't Believe You're Still Single!

Hi! My name is Ted
I like little fuzzy pups, coffee in a cup, bourbon in a glass and grass. Don’t let my innocent good looks fool you. I can get into some wild and wacky shenanigans when the mood strikes…LOL!

Turn-ons: Long brown hair, yellow Volkswagen Beetles, bludgeoning, rape, strangulation
Turn-offs: E-mail auto-replies

Did I mention that I’d made the decision to delve into the world of online dating? I realize that the term “online dating” may lead some to think of sites like Match.com or eHarmony. Or, maybe not eHarmony … do they cater to the homos? I’ve been led to believe not, although I can’t be bothered to actually find out because, frankly, that name is alone is way too gay for me and most of the queers I know. Which actually isn’t very many … I’m currently sort of swimming in a sea of heterosexuals … but my one lesbian friend (okay, she’s not an actual lesbian, but she does play one on the “dating” site to which we both belong) agrees that eHarmony sounds totally gay. Then again, she also thinks Hot Pockets are totally gay, so …

The site I decided to join skips all the bullshit surrounding romance and matching you based on 193 dimensions of personality and is more about getting down to business. Think of it as PlentyOfFish’s slutty sister. You know, the one you really wanted to go out with but all your friends said she was a skank so you opted for the “nice” sister instead and six weeks later you’re still waiting to see her naked, but meanwhile your friends are all getting blown in the parking lot by Sister Skanks-A-Lotta and laughing their asses off at you.

Anyway. The point is that whether you’re on eHarmony or eMeSoHorny, whether you’re looking for a soul-mate or a sex-mate, isn’t the goal to seek out those who might be interested in you, someone with whom you share common interests … something like sexual-orientation, perhaps??? My profile on that site says LESBIAN in big red letters (yeah, kinda like that) at the top and yet at least 90% of the messages I get are from men. But, I understand that most are clearly too distracted by the amazingly hawt pictures I’ve posted of myself to even notice that there are words on the page and I forgive their faux-pas. It’s the ones who do see the detour sign , decide it doesn’t apply to them and send me a picture of their unfailingly unattractive genitalia anyway, typically accompanied by the assurance that they are ‘very oral’, who baffle me. Seriously, if enjoying oral sex is all it takes to cause someone to change orientations, then my dating pool just got a hell of a lot bigger! But even worse are those who, when I point out that listed under ‘Things Not To Do’ in Rules & Regulations of Lesbian Dating the very first item is “Have a penis,” become angry and feel the need to share their opinion that I must be a man-hating dyke.

The fact is that unlike many of my peers, I don’t identify as nor am I comfortable using the word dyke. Truth be told, I barely tolerate lesbian. But in the interest of conforming to our society’s fondness for labels, I make an effort to go with the flow. But while I won’t use the word hate (cuz my mom says it isn’t nice to hate), I do have an intense dislike for the importance many men attach to their penis and the intense insecurity that rejection of said appendage sometimes triggers.

The following is an e-mail exchange between myself and a man from my area. I’ve changed his username to a degree because I’m still not clear if including the names of others without their permission is allowed or frowned upon. Even if publishing usernames is acceptable, I am pretty sure that if he found out I would eventually find myself in a shallow grave in a remote desert location and I prefer cremation to burial. Also, I am opposed to a violent and untimely death.

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Sender: CxxxKen
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: June 7, 2011 7:26 PM PDT
Subj: Dressing Room Sex! sounds fun

Hi my name is Ken, I love your no / BS attitude.

I live in OC too. I love to eat pussy and yours looks like it would be tasty! I have a wallet

Love to hook you up with some chick for a threesome, I am good. I live Close, would love to chat and meet you soon. You turn me on

We should clit or click. I love to use sex toys

also give a great massage, have a table always set up in my bedroom. Have a nice house, set up like my own personal spa. Cum over any time for a spa day, I will do my best to get you off hard and wet. Into sex in public, or say different places, First date let me go down on you in a dressing room! OK. No strings is fine. Ever have sex on a surf board, a private cove in Laguna. Well Aim interested in that, I live on a golf course love to lick your pussy on the green under a full moon.

Kinky
Ken

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: CxxxKen
Date: June 7, 2011 7:28 PM PDT
Subj: Auto Reply from UrethraFranklin

Hi! I got your e-mail. If your profile pic is your penis, you attached a penis-pic or are a single man and just sent a straight invite for sex, you won’t be hearing back from me. Single, non-penis-pic men who sound like they’ve read my profile may get a response, but don’t expect anything beyond friends-only. If you’re a couple and your female half is a hottie who plays alone, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. But if you’re strictly of the man watches/participates variety, I probably won’t reply. Single gay/bi/bi-curious ladies, I’ll get back to you . . . I just get busy sometimes, so it might not be right away. Thanks!

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Sender: CxxxKen
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: June 7, 2011 7:50 PM PDT
Subj: FYI Auto Replies are bullshit

I Have fucked three of your friends, you wont be getting back to me based on your, auto reply.

Not mad at you / why would this fucking site say your my perfect match?

Your bull dike period a bichy one at that. I would not waste my time with you period, I am to good for you and yes I have a cock. The duct tape should be on your mouth, in fact your very muscline, sure you want a cock and strap it on plenty.

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: CxxxKen
Date: June 8, 2011 4:19 PM PDT
Subj: Re: FYI Auto Replies are bullshit

Unless there’s an Fetish Group for women who are into bat-shit crazy douche-nuggets, I seriously doubt you’ve managed to trick anyone out here into fucking you. As for my friends, they couldn’t even be bothered to take the time or expend the energy to laugh in your face if you hit on them. If you took shitty porn, put it in a blender with a “Dick & Jane” primer and added the smooth-talking skills of a 13-year old boy the result would be your first e-mail. Throw in some irrational rage, a rapist’s mentality and a little extra illiteracy and you’d end up with your second message. Your psychotic rant combined with your retarded serial-killer meets Billy Bob Thornton appearance makes you the perfect poster-boy for why women are afraid of ending up hog-tied in the trunk of a car after a meet-and-greet. Your reaction to my auto-reply was freakishly over-the-top and you need to take a pill or get some therapy or have a lobotomy.

And finally, NO-FUCKING-DUH, DIPSHIT! I’m a lesbian! Why don’t you go hit on some nuns or Hell’s Angels too and see how that works out for you.

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Sender: CxxxKen
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: June 10, 2011 1:25 AM PDT
Subj: Re: Re: FYI Auto Replies are bullshit

THANKS FOR THE NICE MESSAGE, HEY DON’T KNOCK BAT SHIT UNTIL YOU TRY IT DEAR! YOUR SO ANGRY! DADDY NOT GOOD TO YOU, MOLESTED?
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Mmmm-mmmm-MMMMM! I absolutely swoon for a man who flies into a rage at the drop of a hat! *smiles coyly, winks, drops hat*

By my calculations, it took a mere 14 minutes for Romeo to go from wanting to lick my pussy on a golf course (something I must admit I’ve dreamed of since the first time I heard the throaty, sensual hum of an electric golf cart motor at my grandparent’s trailer park retirement village) to deciding I’m a “bichy, musculine (still not sure if this is reference to my short hair, or my cut guns and rockin’ abs), bull dike” who should have her mouth duct-taped shut. All this immediately after the sentence where he blames the site for mis-matching us and saying that he’s not mad at me.

Hey guy, I totally get your psychotic reaction to the system-launched message that went out automatically in response to your unsolicited e-mail and had nothing to do with you personally. It’s like when the ATM asks me if I want to proceed even those it’s currently unable to generate receipts. Fukken receipt-tease! Makes me wanna cut a bitch! I hope you’re just as forgiving when you have to fill your car with gas, pay your credit card bill or change the light bulb in your bathroom because I have nothing to do with those things either and I don’t want you to be mad at me.

I didn’t respond to CxxxKen’s last e-mail because sometimes it’s just better to piss them off by not giving them the reaction they’re looking for. I did however block him from my profile so I could talk shit about him without fear of becoming the latest skeletonized remains discovered by hikers in the Angeles National Forest (seriously, you can’t walk two steps in there without tripping over a corpse, right?). If I do happen to disappear however, be on the look out for Billy Bob Thornton with a developmental-disability and a hatchet … think Karl Childers from Slingblade, but less attractive and intelligent.