I deliberately selected the cheesiest song ever recorded on all of music history because I wanted to make a faux-romativc gag video of my parents. But the damn this actually turn out kind of sweet. But, if you don’t have the, “Awwwwwww….” reaction, you many be among the surprising number of people who at the conclusion of the video turn to me a little uncomfortably and say something along the lines of, “It’s really good, but I kinda feel like I’ll be watching it again one day at their memorial service ….”
Essentially what I think they trying to say is, “You’re parents look great! Don’t forget that they’re getting older and will probably both be dead before long. Have a nice day!” Since I inadvertently created a video with the power to bring out the unleash the Debbie Downer in just about anyone, this time I’m trying to counter-act the effect by teaming the the video with some of my parent’s more memorable utterances and exchanges from the past few months.
Watching a video of Prince performing Purple Rain
Mom: He’s scary sexy…
———-
Mom’s Friend: I like your new hair. Are you happy with it?
Me: OMG … I love it! In fact, right after I had it done I posted on Facebook ‘Is it hot in here or is it just me?’ Hahahaha!
Mom’s Friend: *hands me a bottle of water* Want a drink?
Mom: *fiddles with the a/c controls* Is that better?
Me: *face palm*
———-
Mom: I’m not homophobic. I’m not scared to leave the house. It just hurts when I try to walk too far.
Me: Ma … agoraphobia.
Mom: Oh. What did I say?
Me: *sigh*
———-
Mom: (leaving a voice mail for my brother) … anyway, I told them I’d give you their number and I did. I’ve done my duty.
Me: hehehehehe . . . “doody”
Mom: Oh you! Job? Task?
Me: Doody’s funnier.
Mom: Doody fucker?
Me: BWAHahahahahahaha! Posting!
Mom: Noooooooo!
———-
Mom: I really like that black shirt you have.
Me: The Liz Claiborne?
Mom: No . . .
Me: The one that buttons up the front?
Mom: No . . .
Me: Those are the only black shirts I own.
Mom: The one you wore to work yesterday.
Me: The green one?
Mom: Yes, that looks so nice on you.
———-
Driving on the freeway.
Mom: Brake Glenn, brake!
Dad: Nita, I see it!
Mom: Well I didn’t know you saw it.
Dad: Do I have to tell you everything I see so you’ll know I’m not going to hit it?
Mom: No, I just want to know what you don’t see.
Me: *genuflects and closes eyes*
———-
Dad (to me): Are you watching this show?
Mom (from the kitchen): What?
Dad: I wasn’t talking to you, Anita.
Mom: What?
Dad: I was talking to Urethra.
Mom: What does she need?
Me: Nothing.
Mom: Iced Tea?
Me: No, nothing.
Mom (coming out of the kitchen and handing me a bottle of iced tea): Here you go.
Me: Thanks mom…
———-
Showing my mom a picture of an old friend I ran into at a party.
Me: Come here, mom. I’ll show you a picture of Steven (opens photo album on Facebook and points out friend). There he is.
Mom: Oh! The Lauffer boy! He grew up (points to a picture right-side of the screen). He looks different here.
Me: Probably because that’s Donald Trump.
Mom: Oh, well no wonder.
———-
Dad: I’m going to the store. Do you have the keys to the Honda?
Mom: Oh, be careful Glenn, that car doesn’t have any . . . poof! . . . What’s the word? Safety pillows . . . ?
Dad: Air bags?
Mom: That’s it!
———-
Shhhh! No one tell my mom this is posted out here, okay? Thanks!
———-
Big thanks to H.E. Ellis for the hilarious post that inspired this one (Conversations With My Mother) and for allowing me to hijack her idea. If you haven’t read her blog yet, please do so soon. You’ll be glad you did.
Oh my God our mother’s were separated at birth! And I’m guessing about 3000 miles if your mother wasn’t born in Sardegna. One of my favorite mom moments was when my ex came home with a new haircut. My mother looked up from the table, threw her hands in the air and as she pointed at my ex said, “NOW WHY DO THEY GIVE ALL RETARDED CHILDREN THAT HAIRCUT? AREN’T THOSE CHILDREN PEOPLE TOO? THEY SHOULD HAVE NORMAL HAIRCUTS JUST LIKE EVERYONE ELSE!”
Moms … they care for us when we’re sick, comfort us when we’re sad, protect us when we’re scared and always know just what to say to make sure no one’s ego is too big or self-esteem too high.
In the beginning of my sophmore year I remember telling my mom that I never felt like I could keep up with the other girls my age. I didn’t know how to do my hair or make-up right, I never felt like my clothes were as cool, I couldn’t dance and didn’t know how to talk to boys. I felt they were so feminine and grown-up and I was still a little tomboy. She sighed, put her hand on my knee and said, “Well honey, what can I tell you? Some people were just never meant to be cheerleaders.”
What a special moment that was. I virtually floated through the rest of the year on a cloud of confidence and hope.
Haha. Now I understand you a LOT better. I am never going to allow you near me with a camera, though.
My two favorites are the television/kitchen thing (my mother is always doing something like that) and the black shirt thing. *snort*
Everyone falls victim to my video shenanigans eventually … it’s just a matter of time.
Yeah, they say such cute things at this age. Who said Alzheimers can’t be fun!?