Since the dating site I joined promises that “it’s fun, it’s free and you could be hooking up by tonight” in an effort to attract members, I harbor no hopes nor dreams of receiving love poems or finding romance. But perhaps I expect too much by assuming that the filter options I choose will actually filter potential matches for my preferences. I don’t expect everyone to be 100% in-line with my likes and dislikes, but I think some things are much more obvious deal-breakers than others. Off the top of my head, I guess that might be something like … ummmm … HAVING A PENIS!!!!
I continue to get e-mails from men despite the fact that my profile screams LESBIAN!! A few are friendly and just write to say they like my profile or wish I played for their team. Others send pictures of their penis … just what every lesbian hopes to find when she opens an e-mail. While I’m not posting any penis pictures for your viewing pleasure, I thought I would share some of the more interesting messages I’ve received lately.
Sender: mature_f_fucker
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 19, 2011 1:12 PM
Subj: Hi
Hı beatifull layd. My name is Murat and I live in İstanbul. I am 33 years old and I love mature woman and sex 
Because mature lady is very beatifull and sexy. I want you perfect layd ! My msn adress ; [hidden]@hotmail.com baby. Please add and contact me baby. Kiss you my layd
I’m once, twice, three times a layd …
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Sender: cuniglius
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 7:51 PM
Subj: passion
I love a women’s body , I love touching and kissing it entirely , I wanna squeeze you as I lick you flicking my tongue on your clit , rubbing our bodies in sweaty ecstasy , my mouth completely surrounding your vagina , as I drink your cum when your trembling in my lips , the lick your asshole and suck your feet , licking up to your labia again , I can’t get enough of going down on you , my hands never stop touching you , cupping your breasts , kissing your neck , your shoulders your back , blowing gently on the wet kisses , grabbing your ass I set you on top of me , letting you grind , I would do anything you asked anyway you like ,if you want it kinky , Im an artist with many touches , if you want it rough , whatever it takes to please you e addy [hidden]creationfloors at the gee mail Im a generous man
You had me at ‘sweaty ecstasy.’
Just kidding! You actually didn’t have me until ‘Im a generous man.’ Will you give me $500 and promise to never, ever contact me again?
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Sender: womanR2Bhappy
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 6:52 AM
Subj: perversion
two no limitw slaves for use… you can whore them out and let others pay to use them… they will be delivered where you request when you request… you provide women or i can… i watch ans see my propert yused… lets do it
As a rule I’m against slavery, but my house really needs a new coat of paint. Can they bring their own ladders?
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Sender: Vtwinnn2
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 15, 2011 2:28 AM
Subj: hi
hi how are you today?? hmmm wot are you doing now?? msg me ok,, love to hear from you,, wood you like to see my hard cock???
hello i am fine.. ummm making fun of you on my blog.. no,, too bad,, I most certainly woodn’t…
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Sender: Arjor1
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 9, 2011 1:08 AM
Subj: HOLA
HOLA AMOR..ME GUSTARIA CONOCERTE Y QUE NOS PODAMOS VER ATRAVEZ DE CAMARA PARA ASI DARNOS..MUCHO AMOR..Y PLACER..TE DEJO MI CORREO…..[hidden]@gmail.com….escribeme amor..soy de Chile..besitos..Arnoldo
HI LOVE..I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AND THAT WE CAN SEE OURSELVES JAUNT OF CAMERA FOR US..MUCH LOVE..AND PLEASURE..I LEAVE YOU MY MAIL …..[hidden]@gmail.com … .write me love..i’m from Chile..kisses..Arnoldo
Either Google Translate isn’t fluent in Spanish or Arnoldo was awfully drunk when he wrote this. What the hell is a ‘jaunt of camera’?
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Sender: medmiko
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 5, 2011 1:55 AM
Subj:hello sexy
hi sexy how are you i want to fuck sexy
Seriously? You took the time to put in the little devil emoticon, yet you couldn’t manage to capitalize or punctuate a 10 word sentence?
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Sender: thomas4u
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: September 15, 2011 3:57 PM
Subj: hi
Ohh My GOD and Good Day to you!!! My Name is THOMAS and am new on this dating site and you ? i really enjoyed reading ur profile and it’s hard for me to believe why such a handsome looking man like you be alone over there without getting ladies chasing on you. Well am really impressed by your profile and I would wish to get to know more about you to see where this will go and also if you are interested in me,send me an [hidden]@yahoo.com….send me an email so that i can send you my pictures and tell you more about me and see when it will talk us too. THOMAS
Nothing makes me consider exploring my hetero-curiousity more than being told I’m a handsome looking man. Flattery will get you everywhere Thomas!
Wait one cotton picking minute here.
You mean Lesbians DONT like being hit on by creepy, sex starved, slightly musty, rather rank perverted members of the male sex then.
I’ll make a note of that in my pad.
Peace
&
You really are such a handsome man though. …
If I only had brown eyes maybe Chuck Berry would sing a song about me.
Wow…I’m straight, but this is likely to put me off cock for life.
No worries, there’s always room on my team. No experience necessary! Although, it hasn’t kept me from being stalked by the cock ….
Several of these two-timers have contacted me as well, although in response to my search for a cleaning spray for the vinyl top of my Chevy convertible.
Oh! I heard Penis Of Creepy Guy is great on vinyl tops! But it does tend to leave a sticky film …
Way too funny. Sadly, it is pretty much the way it is, and there are a few (shocking gasp) of men, even I wouldn’t even reply to. Dating sites are more hysterical to look at then to find a mate…huh…
@Kid: Strangely enough, most would answer ‘no’. Go figure, right?
Ms. U, it sounds like we may have been on the same dating site at one point. Well, except I got the ‘nice’ gentleman from Belgium for some reason.