Ask The Tiny Lesbian On A Cupcake

Everything you’ve always wanted to know about anything, but didn’t have a miniature non-heteronormative snack cake topper to ask!

Generally speaking, the smaller the being, the greater the magical powers, amazing abilities or mysterious practices. While it’s true that I’m quite diminutive, I sadly lack the more impressive skills of my short-statured brethren: elves, gnomes and dwarfs. I don’t live in a tree, I didn’t bake the cupcake upon which I stand (neither did they, by the way . . . ever since the Keeblers went union they are simply impossible to deal with!), I don’t guard your garden while you sleep, I can’t find you the best travel deals and I don’t steal babies to sell to the Gypsies.

I am, however, willing and able to answer any question you might have. It can be about me, but it doesn’t have to. Dating, sex, relationships, sports, TV theme songs, famous movie quotes, land mammals, farming, Bolivia . . . seriously anything! Oh, except math. Like the rest of my wee-peeps, my cypherin’ capabilities are less than stellar (it’s hard learning to count on teeny, tiny fingers to begin with and it just goes downhill from there).

So what is it you want to know? What question has plagued you all these years? The meaning of life? The existence of God? Forgotten song lyrics? The name of that kid who sat next to you in third grade and always smelled like salami? The actress who played the secretary on that show with the guy from I Dream of Jeannie? (no, not Larry Hagman, the other guy). Should you stay or should you go now? Altoids or Mentos? Why do you have an uvula and what does it do?

I may not be magical, amazing or mysterious, but I am a veritable cornucopia of useless trivia, ill-formed opinions and half-assed advice. And, I don’t mean to brag, but I’m also somewhat Savant-like in my ability to blur that fiction/reality line. So, even when I don’t know an answer, I can make up something that sounds completely plausible. I’ll feed you misinformation that you can share with others and if enough of us repeat it and we do it for long enough, eventually people will come to believe. Kind of like religion, only without all the hate and killing.