Pursued By A Douche-Nugget

I realize that I’ve been somewhat remiss in my blogging duties lately. Although I’m still feeling a bit blog-blocked, I couldn’t resist sharing this e-mail exchange between myself and man on the internet dating site I belong to. Except for a couple of notes I added for clarification and to make it less abundantly clear exactly where I live, nothing has been changed.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this man actually exists! And knowing that makes me feel really sorry for all you heterosexual women who have to swim around in the dating pool with guys like this in order to find someone normal. You have my most sincere sympathy.

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 10:29 PM
Subj: some sugar!!!

please neighbor!! i need some sugar!!!!! meet me at ralph’s [Note: local grocery store] if you want see what happen’s if you like then sex it is!!!!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 10:34 PM
Subj: nice!!!

ready for me alright!!!!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:00 PM
Subj: funny!!!

get this knock knock!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:06 PM
Subj: sweet!!!

come on neighbor!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:08 PM
Subj: hi discrete!!!

hi!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 24, 2011 11:34 PM
Subj: RE: some sugar!!!

I’m heading to Ralphs right now. I’m wearing a silver thong, low-rise jeans and a Foxy Lady halter top. Meet me in the produce department. I hope they don’t think you’re shoplifting a banana . . . LMAO!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:42 AM
Subj: hey!!!

i looked for you!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:48 AM
Subj: hi!!!

what happen at ralph’s were you there or not!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:56 AM
Subj: come on!!

please let me fuck you you owe me i went to ralph’s and you were;nt there!!!!!

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:07 AM
Subj: yaaaaaaaa!!

fun -fun- fuck -fuck -please!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 1:16 AM
Subj: RE: come on!!

Which Ralphs did you go to?

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:33 AM
Subj: RE: RE: come on!!

come on girlfriend!! went to [street name] and [other street] ralph’s!! you got me!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 1:28 AM
Subj: RE: RE: RE: come on!!

That explains it. I went to the one on Ima & Lesbian. Guess I should have been more specific.

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:47 AM
Subj: hi!!!

WTF please let me fuck you!! what ralph’s did you go to!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 2:20 AM
Subj: RE: hi!!!

10 Things You Need To Know

1. Women tend to go for the bad-boy type. Try being a little more dangerous and a lot less desperate.
2. I’m a lesbian.
3. Begging women for sex will get you laid 0 out of 10 times.
4. I’m a lesbian.
5. You don’t have a picture on your profile. Most women agree to have sex with anonymous, faceless men an average of no percent of the time.
6. I’m a lesbian.
7. You should spend some time reading a woman’s profile and not just looking at her pictures. You might learn important things about her.
8. I’m a lesbian.
9. I didn’t go to Ralphs.
10. I’m a lesbian.

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 2:31 AM
Subj: cheer’s

I won’t ask no more just let me fuck you one damn time!!!!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 3:04 AM
Subj: RE: cheer’s

I checked the Lesbian Rules & Regulations handbook they gave me when I signed up and apparently having sex with men is grounds for having my membership revoked. They do make certain exceptions though. You don’t happen to be Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp or Justin Timberlake, do you?

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Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 2:31 AM
Subj: RE: RE: cheer’s

ok I am an ass!!

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 3:04 AM
Subj: RE: RE: RE: cheer’s

Nope. Just Wahlberg, Depp, Timberlake and a few others. Headquarters doesn’t appear to make exceptions for asses. Sorry.

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Sadly, I never heard from him again and that’s a shame. He provided such excellent blog fodder!

Pretty Little Love Notes

Since the dating site I joined promises that “it’s fun, it’s free and you could be hooking up by tonight” in an effort to attract members, I harbor no hopes nor dreams of receiving love poems or finding romance. But perhaps I expect too much by assuming that the filter options I choose will actually filter potential matches for my preferences. I don’t expect everyone to be 100% in-line with my likes and dislikes, but I think some things are much more obvious deal-breakers than others. Off the top of my head, I guess that might be something like … ummmm … HAVING A PENIS!!!!

I continue to get e-mails from men despite the fact that my profile screams LESBIAN!! A few are friendly and just write to say they like my profile or wish I played for their team. Others send pictures of their penis … just what every lesbian hopes to find when she opens an e-mail. While I’m not posting any penis pictures for your viewing pleasure, I thought I would share some of the more interesting messages I’ve received lately.

Sender: mature_f_fucker
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 19, 2011 1:12 PM
Subj: Hi

Hı beatifull layd. My name is Murat and I live in İstanbul. I am 33 years old and I love mature woman and sex Because mature lady is very beatifull and sexy. I want you perfect layd ! My msn adress ; [hidden]@hotmail.com baby. Please add and contact me baby. Kiss you my layd

I’m once, twice, three times a layd …

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Sender: cuniglius
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 7:51 PM
Subj: passion

I love a women’s body , I love touching and kissing it entirely , I wanna squeeze you as I lick you flicking my tongue on your clit , rubbing our bodies in sweaty ecstasy , my mouth completely surrounding your vagina , as I drink your cum when your trembling in my lips , the lick your asshole and suck your feet , licking up to your labia again , I can’t get enough of going down on you , my hands never stop touching you , cupping your breasts , kissing your neck , your shoulders your back , blowing gently on the wet kisses , grabbing your ass I set you on top of me , letting you grind , I would do anything you asked anyway you like ,if you want it kinky , Im an artist with many touches , if you want it rough , whatever it takes to please you e addy [hidden]creationfloors at the gee mail Im a generous man

You had me at ‘sweaty ecstasy.’

Just kidding! You actually didn’t have me until ‘Im a generous man.’ Will you give me $500 and promise to never, ever contact me again?

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Sender: womanR2Bhappy
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 6:52 AM
Subj: perversion

two no limitw slaves for use… you can whore them out and let others pay to use them… they will be delivered where you request when you request… you provide women or i can… i watch ans see my propert yused… lets do it

As a rule I’m against slavery, but my house really needs a new coat of paint. Can they bring their own ladders?

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Sender: Vtwinnn2
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 15, 2011 2:28 AM
Subj: hi

hi how are you today?? hmmm wot are you doing now?? msg me ok,, love to hear from you,, wood you like to see my hard cock???

hello i am fine.. ummm making fun of you on my blog.. no,, too bad,, I most certainly woodn’t…

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Sender: Arjor1
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 9, 2011 1:08 AM
Subj: HOLA

HOLA AMOR..ME GUSTARIA CONOCERTE Y QUE NOS PODAMOS VER ATRAVEZ DE CAMARA PARA ASI DARNOS..MUCHO AMOR..Y PLACER..TE DEJO MI CORREO…..[hidden]@gmail.com….escribeme amor..soy de Chile..besitos..Arnoldo

HI LOVE..I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AND THAT WE CAN SEE OURSELVES JAUNT OF CAMERA FOR US..MUCH LOVE..AND PLEASURE..I LEAVE YOU MY MAIL …..[hidden]@gmail.com … .write me love..i’m from Chile..kisses..Arnoldo

Either Google Translate isn’t fluent in Spanish or Arnoldo was awfully drunk when he wrote this. What the hell is a ‘jaunt of camera’?

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Sender: medmiko
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 5, 2011 1:55 AM
Subj:hello sexy

hi sexy how are you i want to fuck sexy

Seriously? You took the time to put in the little devil emoticon, yet you couldn’t manage to capitalize or punctuate a 10 word sentence?

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Sender: thomas4u
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: September 15, 2011 3:57 PM
Subj: hi

Ohh My GOD and Good Day to you!!! My Name is THOMAS and am new on this dating site and you ? i really enjoyed reading ur profile and it’s hard for me to believe why such a handsome looking man like you be alone over there without getting ladies chasing on you. Well am really impressed by your profile and I would wish to get to know more about you to see where this will go and also if you are interested in me,send me an [hidden]@yahoo.com….send me an email so that i can send you my pictures and tell you more about me and see when it will talk us too. THOMAS

Nothing makes me consider exploring my hetero-curiousity more than being told I’m a handsome looking man. Flattery will get you everywhere Thomas!

I Can’t Believe You’re Still Single!

Hi! My name is Ted
I like little fuzzy pups, coffee in a cup, bourbon in a glass and grass. Don’t let my innocent good looks fool you. I can get into some wild and wacky shenanigans when the mood strikes…LOL!

Turn-ons: Long brown hair, yellow Volkswagen Beetles, bludgeoning, rape, strangulation
Turn-offs: E-mail auto-replies

Did I mention that I’d made the decision to delve into the world of online dating? I realize that the term “online dating” may lead some to think of sites like Match.com or eHarmony. Or, maybe not eHarmony … do they cater to the homos? I’ve been led to believe not, although I can’t be bothered to actually find out because, frankly, that name is alone is way too gay for me and most of the queers I know. Which actually isn’t very many … I’m currently sort of swimming in a sea of heterosexuals … but my one lesbian friend (okay, she’s not an actual lesbian, but she does play one on the “dating” site to which we both belong) agrees that eHarmony sounds totally gay. Then again, she also thinks Hot Pockets are totally gay, so …

The site I decided to join skips all the bullshit surrounding romance and matching you based on 193 dimensions of personality and is more about getting down to business. Think of it as PlentyOfFish’s slutty sister. You know, the one you really wanted to go out with but all your friends said she was a skank so you opted for the “nice” sister instead and six weeks later you’re still waiting to see her naked, but meanwhile your friends are all getting blown in the parking lot by Sister Skanks-A-Lotta and laughing their asses off at you.

Anyway. The point is that whether you’re on eHarmony or eMeSoHorny, whether you’re looking for a soul-mate or a sex-mate, isn’t the goal to seek out those who might be interested in you, someone with whom you share common interests … something like sexual-orientation, perhaps??? My profile on that site says LESBIAN in big red letters (yeah, kinda like that) at the top and yet at least 90% of the messages I get are from men. But, I understand that most are clearly too distracted by the amazingly hawt pictures I’ve posted of myself to even notice that there are words on the page and I forgive their faux-pas. It’s the ones who do see the detour sign , decide it doesn’t apply to them and send me a picture of their unfailingly unattractive genitalia anyway, typically accompanied by the assurance that they are ‘very oral’, who baffle me. Seriously, if enjoying oral sex is all it takes to cause someone to change orientations, then my dating pool just got a hell of a lot bigger! But even worse are those who, when I point out that listed under ‘Things Not To Do’ in Rules & Regulations of Lesbian Dating the very first item is “Have a penis,” become angry and feel the need to share their opinion that I must be a man-hating dyke.

The fact is that unlike many of my peers, I don’t identify as nor am I comfortable using the word dyke. Truth be told, I barely tolerate lesbian. But in the interest of conforming to our society’s fondness for labels, I make an effort to go with the flow. But while I won’t use the word hate (cuz my mom says it isn’t nice to hate), I do have an intense dislike for the importance many men attach to their penis and the intense insecurity that rejection of said appendage sometimes triggers.

The following is an e-mail exchange between myself and a man from my area. I’ve changed his username to a degree because I’m still not clear if including the names of others without their permission is allowed or frowned upon. Even if publishing usernames is acceptable, I am pretty sure that if he found out I would eventually find myself in a shallow grave in a remote desert location and I prefer cremation to burial. Also, I am opposed to a violent and untimely death.

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Sender: CxxxKen
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: June 7, 2011 7:26 PM PDT
Subj: Dressing Room Sex! sounds fun

Hi my name is Ken, I love your no / BS attitude.

I live in OC too. I love to eat pussy and yours looks like it would be tasty! I have a wallet

Love to hook you up with some chick for a threesome, I am good. I live Close, would love to chat and meet you soon. You turn me on

We should clit or click. I love to use sex toys

also give a great massage, have a table always set up in my bedroom. Have a nice house, set up like my own personal spa. Cum over any time for a spa day, I will do my best to get you off hard and wet. Into sex in public, or say different places, First date let me go down on you in a dressing room! OK. No strings is fine. Ever have sex on a surf board, a private cove in Laguna. Well Aim interested in that, I live on a golf course love to lick your pussy on the green under a full moon.

Kinky
Ken

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: CxxxKen
Date: June 7, 2011 7:28 PM PDT
Subj: Auto Reply from UrethraFranklin

Hi! I got your e-mail. If your profile pic is your penis, you attached a penis-pic or are a single man and just sent a straight invite for sex, you won’t be hearing back from me. Single, non-penis-pic men who sound like they’ve read my profile may get a response, but don’t expect anything beyond friends-only. If you’re a couple and your female half is a hottie who plays alone, I’ll get back to you as soon as I can. But if you’re strictly of the man watches/participates variety, I probably won’t reply. Single gay/bi/bi-curious ladies, I’ll get back to you . . . I just get busy sometimes, so it might not be right away. Thanks!

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Sender: CxxxKen
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: June 7, 2011 7:50 PM PDT
Subj: FYI Auto Replies are bullshit

I Have fucked three of your friends, you wont be getting back to me based on your, auto reply.

Not mad at you / why would this fucking site say your my perfect match?

Your bull dike period a bichy one at that. I would not waste my time with you period, I am to good for you and yes I have a cock. The duct tape should be on your mouth, in fact your very muscline, sure you want a cock and strap it on plenty.

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Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: CxxxKen
Date: June 8, 2011 4:19 PM PDT
Subj: Re: FYI Auto Replies are bullshit

Unless there’s an Fetish Group for women who are into bat-shit crazy douche-nuggets, I seriously doubt you’ve managed to trick anyone out here into fucking you. As for my friends, they couldn’t even be bothered to take the time or expend the energy to laugh in your face if you hit on them. If you took shitty porn, put it in a blender with a “Dick & Jane” primer and added the smooth-talking skills of a 13-year old boy the result would be your first e-mail. Throw in some irrational rage, a rapist’s mentality and a little extra illiteracy and you’d end up with your second message. Your psychotic rant combined with your retarded serial-killer meets Billy Bob Thornton appearance makes you the perfect poster-boy for why women are afraid of ending up hog-tied in the trunk of a car after a meet-and-greet. Your reaction to my auto-reply was freakishly over-the-top and you need to take a pill or get some therapy or have a lobotomy.

And finally, NO-FUCKING-DUH, DIPSHIT! I’m a lesbian! Why don’t you go hit on some nuns or Hell’s Angels too and see how that works out for you.

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Sender: CxxxKen
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: June 10, 2011 1:25 AM PDT
Subj: Re: Re: FYI Auto Replies are bullshit

THANKS FOR THE NICE MESSAGE, HEY DON’T KNOCK BAT SHIT UNTIL YOU TRY IT DEAR! YOUR SO ANGRY! DADDY NOT GOOD TO YOU, MOLESTED?
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Mmmm-mmmm-MMMMM! I absolutely swoon for a man who flies into a rage at the drop of a hat! *smiles coyly, winks, drops hat*

By my calculations, it took a mere 14 minutes for Romeo to go from wanting to lick my pussy on a golf course (something I must admit I’ve dreamed of since the first time I heard the throaty, sensual hum of an electric golf cart motor at my grandparent’s trailer park retirement village) to deciding I’m a “bichy, musculine (still not sure if this is reference to my short hair, or my cut guns and rockin’ abs), bull dike” who should have her mouth duct-taped shut. All this immediately after the sentence where he blames the site for mis-matching us and saying that he’s not mad at me.

Hey guy, I totally get your psychotic reaction to the system-launched message that went out automatically in response to your unsolicited e-mail and had nothing to do with you personally. It’s like when the ATM asks me if I want to proceed even those it’s currently unable to generate receipts. Fukken receipt-tease! Makes me wanna cut a bitch! I hope you’re just as forgiving when you have to fill your car with gas, pay your credit card bill or change the light bulb in your bathroom because I have nothing to do with those things either and I don’t want you to be mad at me.

I didn’t respond to CxxxKen’s last e-mail because sometimes it’s just better to piss them off by not giving them the reaction they’re looking for. I did however block him from my profile so I could talk shit about him without fear of becoming the latest skeletonized remains discovered by hikers in the Angeles National Forest (seriously, you can’t walk two steps in there without tripping over a corpse, right?). If I do happen to disappear however, be on the look out for Billy Bob Thornton with a developmental-disability and a hatchet … think Karl Childers from Slingblade, but less attractive and intelligent.

Did I Mention I’m Not A Serial Killer?

C'mon Aileen ...

I believe that most people are honest, normal and decent. I happen to be one of them. But, as a relative newcomer to the world of online dating, I’m a bit leery. It’s a collection of anonymous people behind a profile and unless or until I get to know a person, I reserve the right to assume they’re a psychopathic predator trolling the Webernet for their next victim. I’m not a suspicious person by nature, but I play it very safe out there. I prefer to know before the first date if the person I’m meeting just happens to be an ax-murderer.

But despite my assumption that everyone has bodies buried in shallow graves, I never really stopped to consider that someone might be looking at me the same way. I know that anyone with any semblance of self-preservation is cautious; but, I also know that I’m just me . . . no games, no agendas and totally harmless . . . and it felt a little odd to have recently had the spotlight of suspicion turned on me.

I’d exchanged a couple of e-mails on a “just friends” basis with a young woman . . . just one of those “hey, you’re cool and kinda local, if you’re ever in the area we should grab a drink” things. So when I found myself making a semi-spontaneous trip to her locale with some friends, I contacted her to say I was going to be there kind of late that night, but if she’d give me her cell number I’d text when I arrived.

During the drive we exchanged a couple of messages and I started to sense something from her that felt like discomfort or hesitancy. My immediate reaction was that despite the platonic e-mails, she thought I was some lesbian Cougar on the prowl with ulterior motives and it was a little embarrassing and ego-deflating to think I’d elicited the “ewwwwww . . . old lady” reaction in some kid.

But then I got my ego in check and saw the situation from her perspective. I was a person she knew only from a profile and a couple of e-mails on a dating site inviting her to meet me and some other strangers . . . in a hotel . . . at midnight. I mean, unless she had some heretofore undisclosed fetish involving being an unidentified body found dumped on the side of a highway, it was pretty unlikely she’d get an invitation to meet a bunch of people she didn’t know in a motel late at night and think, “Woo-hoo! Looks like I’m gonna get me some!”

So, in an effort to make myself a little more real and a little less anonymous, I thought should make more of an effort to keep up with this blogging thing. Now I’m an anonymous person on a dating site with a profile AND a blog. That should make any future prospects feel better about meeting me alone in a remote location in the middle of the night. I guess I should also think about moving the shovel and the duct-tape from the backseat to the trunk …