Pursued By A Douche-Nugget

I realize that I’ve been somewhat remiss in my blogging duties lately. Although I’m still feeling a bit blog-blocked, I couldn’t resist sharing this e-mail exchange between myself and man on the internet dating site I belong to. Except for a couple of notes I added for clarification and to make it less abundantly clear exactly where I live, nothing has been changed.

Yes ladies and gentlemen, this man actually exists! And knowing that makes me feel really sorry for all you heterosexual women who have to swim around in the dating pool with guys like this in order to find someone normal. You have my most sincere sympathy.

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 10:29 PM
Subj: some sugar!!!

please neighbor!! i need some sugar!!!!! meet me at ralph’s [Note: local grocery store] if you want see what happen’s if you like then sex it is!!!!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 10:34 PM
Subj: nice!!!

ready for me alright!!!!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:00 PM
Subj: funny!!!

get this knock knock!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:06 PM
Subj: sweet!!!

come on neighbor!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 24, 2011 11:08 PM
Subj: hi discrete!!!

hi!!

—————

Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 24, 2011 11:34 PM
Subj: RE: some sugar!!!

I’m heading to Ralphs right now. I’m wearing a silver thong, low-rise jeans and a Foxy Lady halter top. Meet me in the produce department. I hope they don’t think you’re shoplifting a banana . . . LMAO!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:42 AM
Subj: hey!!!

i looked for you!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:48 AM
Subj: hi!!!

what happen at ralph’s were you there or not!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 12:56 AM
Subj: come on!!

please let me fuck you you owe me i went to ralph’s and you were;nt there!!!!!

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:07 AM
Subj: yaaaaaaaa!!

fun -fun- fuck -fuck -please!!!!!

—————

Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 1:16 AM
Subj: RE: come on!!

Which Ralphs did you go to?

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:33 AM
Subj: RE: RE: come on!!

come on girlfriend!! went to [street name] and [other street] ralph’s!! you got me!!!!!

—————

Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 1:28 AM
Subj: RE: RE: RE: come on!!

That explains it. I went to the one on Ima & Lesbian. Guess I should have been more specific.

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 1:47 AM
Subj: hi!!!

WTF please let me fuck you!! what ralph’s did you go to!!!!!

—————

Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 2:20 AM
Subj: RE: hi!!!

10 Things You Need To Know

1. Women tend to go for the bad-boy type. Try being a little more dangerous and a lot less desperate.
2. I’m a lesbian.
3. Begging women for sex will get you laid 0 out of 10 times.
4. I’m a lesbian.
5. You don’t have a picture on your profile. Most women agree to have sex with anonymous, faceless men an average of no percent of the time.
6. I’m a lesbian.
7. You should spend some time reading a woman’s profile and not just looking at her pictures. You might learn important things about her.
8. I’m a lesbian.
9. I didn’t go to Ralphs.
10. I’m a lesbian.

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 2:31 AM
Subj: cheer’s

I won’t ask no more just let me fuck you one damn time!!!!!

—————

Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 3:04 AM
Subj: RE: cheer’s

I checked the Lesbian Rules & Regulations handbook they gave me when I signed up and apparently having sex with men is grounds for having my membership revoked. They do make certain exceptions though. You don’t happen to be Mark Wahlberg, Johnny Depp or Justin Timberlake, do you?

—————

Sender: checkmate2000
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 25, 2011 2:31 AM
Subj: RE: RE: cheer’s

ok I am an ass!!

—————

Sender: UrethraFranklin
To: checkmate2000
Date: October 25, 2011 3:04 AM
Subj: RE: RE: RE: cheer’s

Nope. Just Wahlberg, Depp, Timberlake and a few others. Headquarters doesn’t appear to make exceptions for asses. Sorry.

—————

Sadly, I never heard from him again and that’s a shame. He provided such excellent blog fodder!

Pretty Little Love Notes

Since the dating site I joined promises that “it’s fun, it’s free and you could be hooking up by tonight” in an effort to attract members, I harbor no hopes nor dreams of receiving love poems or finding romance. But perhaps I expect too much by assuming that the filter options I choose will actually filter potential matches for my preferences. I don’t expect everyone to be 100% in-line with my likes and dislikes, but I think some things are much more obvious deal-breakers than others. Off the top of my head, I guess that might be something like … ummmm … HAVING A PENIS!!!!

I continue to get e-mails from men despite the fact that my profile screams LESBIAN!! A few are friendly and just write to say they like my profile or wish I played for their team. Others send pictures of their penis … just what every lesbian hopes to find when she opens an e-mail. While I’m not posting any penis pictures for your viewing pleasure, I thought I would share some of the more interesting messages I’ve received lately.

Sender: mature_f_fucker
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 19, 2011 1:12 PM
Subj: Hi

Hı beatifull layd. My name is Murat and I live in İstanbul. I am 33 years old and I love mature woman and sex Because mature lady is very beatifull and sexy. I want you perfect layd ! My msn adress ; [hidden]@hotmail.com baby. Please add and contact me baby. Kiss you my layd

I’m once, twice, three times a layd …

—————
Sender: cuniglius
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 7:51 PM
Subj: passion

I love a women’s body , I love touching and kissing it entirely , I wanna squeeze you as I lick you flicking my tongue on your clit , rubbing our bodies in sweaty ecstasy , my mouth completely surrounding your vagina , as I drink your cum when your trembling in my lips , the lick your asshole and suck your feet , licking up to your labia again , I can’t get enough of going down on you , my hands never stop touching you , cupping your breasts , kissing your neck , your shoulders your back , blowing gently on the wet kisses , grabbing your ass I set you on top of me , letting you grind , I would do anything you asked anyway you like ,if you want it kinky , Im an artist with many touches , if you want it rough , whatever it takes to please you e addy [hidden]creationfloors at the gee mail Im a generous man

You had me at ‘sweaty ecstasy.’

Just kidding! You actually didn’t have me until ‘Im a generous man.’ Will you give me $500 and promise to never, ever contact me again?

—————

Sender: womanR2Bhappy
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 18, 2011 6:52 AM
Subj: perversion

two no limitw slaves for use… you can whore them out and let others pay to use them… they will be delivered where you request when you request… you provide women or i can… i watch ans see my propert yused… lets do it

As a rule I’m against slavery, but my house really needs a new coat of paint. Can they bring their own ladders?

—————

Sender: Vtwinnn2
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 15, 2011 2:28 AM
Subj: hi

hi how are you today?? hmmm wot are you doing now?? msg me ok,, love to hear from you,, wood you like to see my hard cock???

hello i am fine.. ummm making fun of you on my blog.. no,, too bad,, I most certainly woodn’t…

—————

Sender: Arjor1
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 9, 2011 1:08 AM
Subj: HOLA

HOLA AMOR..ME GUSTARIA CONOCERTE Y QUE NOS PODAMOS VER ATRAVEZ DE CAMARA PARA ASI DARNOS..MUCHO AMOR..Y PLACER..TE DEJO MI CORREO…..[hidden]@gmail.com….escribeme amor..soy de Chile..besitos..Arnoldo

HI LOVE..I WOULD LIKE TO KNOW AND THAT WE CAN SEE OURSELVES JAUNT OF CAMERA FOR US..MUCH LOVE..AND PLEASURE..I LEAVE YOU MY MAIL …..[hidden]@gmail.com … .write me love..i’m from Chile..kisses..Arnoldo

Either Google Translate isn’t fluent in Spanish or Arnoldo was awfully drunk when he wrote this. What the hell is a ‘jaunt of camera’?

—————

Sender: medmiko
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: October 5, 2011 1:55 AM
Subj:hello sexy

hi sexy how are you i want to fuck sexy

Seriously? You took the time to put in the little devil emoticon, yet you couldn’t manage to capitalize or punctuate a 10 word sentence?

—————

Sender: thomas4u
To: UrethraFranklin
Date: September 15, 2011 3:57 PM
Subj: hi

Ohh My GOD and Good Day to you!!! My Name is THOMAS and am new on this dating site and you ? i really enjoyed reading ur profile and it’s hard for me to believe why such a handsome looking man like you be alone over there without getting ladies chasing on you. Well am really impressed by your profile and I would wish to get to know more about you to see where this will go and also if you are interested in me,send me an [hidden]@yahoo.com….send me an email so that i can send you my pictures and tell you more about me and see when it will talk us too. THOMAS

Nothing makes me consider exploring my hetero-curiousity more than being told I’m a handsome looking man. Flattery will get you everywhere Thomas!