Between The Sheets

In August 2010 began airing Between The Sheets with Lora Somoza on Wednesday afternoons (4:00 PM, PST — previous shows are archived so you don’t have to wait for the next broadcast to get a little taste), a show so deliciously dirty it single-handedly puts the hump in Hump Day. Along with her co-host Amanda Smash Hyde (in my head I can’t help but picture an enraged, green, heavily-muscled dominatrix with pink eyebrows pummeling Danny Masterson’s character on That 70s Show whenever I think of her name … Amanda Smash Hyde! Grrrrr! … Don’t make her horny. You wouldn’t like her when she’s horny) and a parade of guests Somoza takes a comedic look at all things sexual, from ass-play to zombie fetishes (okay, I don’t know for a fact that those aroused by the living dead have actually been discussed but it starts with a “Z” and it would make an interesting topic, especially at this time of year … is someone from the show taking notes?).

If there’s any downside to the show it’s that it’s on the radio. Aside from being hysterically funny, Ms. Somoza also happens to be wicked hot, which is not apparent over the air but is abundantly clear in this picture:

Armed with this knowledge listening to her talk about sex can cause reactions that are the polar opposite of the creepy ones you may have once experienced when Dr. Ruth Westheimer explored similar topics.

I’d find it easier to masturbate to the show with a little visual assistance and fortunately someone was kind enough to post on YouTube a number of videos of the show being recorded, which makes my self-abuse much more productive. Unlike the wonderful world of my imagination, however, there isn’t a clip of Ms. Somoza bent over the desk in the broadcast booth with her dress bunched up around her waist. But I guess beggars can’t be choosers. We can however be hopers and dreamers … so to the powers that be, please consider this my formal request for such an upload.

I should also mention that aside from her weekly radio program, Lora is also a contributor to The Huffington Post and has written a book, Bliss In The Bedroom. That’s right bitches, she’s a published author. So if you don’t tune into her show simply because you trust my recommendation and respect my opinion, do it because she’s kind of a big deal and therefore better than us.

By posting this I realize it may appear as though I’ve sold out to the Internet Radio Man, man! Or perhaps I’ve given the impression that I’m plugging a *friend’s show simply out of the goodness of my heart. Let me assure you that nothing could be further from the truth. I remain the shallow purbert you’ve come to know and tolerate and as evidence that this post was motivated purely by personal gain I offer the following Facebook exchange:

Me: I put a link to Between The Sheets on my blog. Is that cool?

Somoza: I would totally give you a reach around if you were here right now. Thanks!!!

Me: *rings doorbell*

Somoza: *grabs lube*

Me: *wonders what she’d get if she did a whole post about the show rather than just having the link … also hopes it’s Liquid Silk*

Somoza: You’d get a liquid silk sponge bath and finger-banged by my sock puppet.

Me: Do you have the Law & Order: SVU sock puppet collection? Cuz I wouldn’t mind getting double-teamed by Olivia Benson and Alex Cabot. You can wear the Eliot Stabler puppet on your foot if he wants to watch.

Somoza: I just tweeted this: “I just had a conversation that had ‘Law & Order: SVU sock puppets’ and ‘finger-banging’ in the same sentence. That’s normal, right?”

My work here is done. I’m ready for my sponge bath Ms. Somoza …

*Although I am deeply in love with her (wait … maybe it’s lust … which is the one where you have recurring dreams about their perfect “suck it Jolie, you’re not the only one with lips” lips??), I must admit that I’ve never even talked to Lora Somoza. The extent of our relationship is the occasional bone she tosses me by ‘liking’ my comments on her posts (which makes me go all Sally Fields getting an Oscar) and being kind enough to respond to the messages I send rather than filing a restraining order against me. I use the word ‘friend’ strictly in the Facebook, person I’ve never actually met sense.

9 responses

  1. As a fan and sometime guest of Ms. Somoza’s and Ms. Smash-Hyde (who you’ve imagined fairly accurately, aside from the green), I have to wonder if there’s a youtube video of you writing this review…

  2. Sock puppets fricken rule, well ‘cept for the slightly crispy one with stains and a mildly funky odor. They make that one live at the back of the drawer with the spare hand lotion.

    As far as sex and humor go, I say plumb the depths of a known third rate sex site full of sexually inquisitive creatures for topics and possibly some of the worst opening lines used in the history of flirtation. Yeah, you know the ones I mean. …

    Will also have a shufties at the web station you mentioned. Tomorrow I shall dig out a smoking jacket, uncork my dinner and listen to the venereal topics you within its vaults.

    Remember, dead ones never say “No”

    • Growing up one of my chores was to collect the clothes my brothers and I left piled around our rooms and bring them out to the laundry. Took me a few years to understand why my older brother was suddenly responsible for gathering the plethora of tube socks scattered about his bedroom ….

  3. Just found your site off brainrants and I have to say Hahahaha! You’re f’n hilarious, keep it up. Now the pressure’s on. Dont disappoint me or I’ll have to stop watching lesbain porn.

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